The LOLs Before Christmas

Cidu Bill on Dec 24th 2012

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Three from Lola:

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Filed in Adam Huber, Amish, Arlo and Janis, Bill Bickel, Brevity, Bug Martini, Christmas, Christmas trees, Close to Home, Comics That Made Us Laugh Out Loud, Cyanide and Happiness, Elton John, Francesco Marciuliano, Guy & Rodd & Dan, Happle Tea, Jimmy Johnson, John McPherson, Medium Large, Santa Claus, comic strips, comics, humor, lol | 35 responses so far

35 Responses to “The LOLs Before Christmas”

  1. furrykef Dec 24th 2012 at 02:03 am 1

    I like the Scrooge one, since it neatly illustrates the problem with many preachy stories. Such stories are usually built to illustrate somebody’s goodness by giving them a happy ending or somebody’s badness by having bad things happen to them. John Hammond dies in the novel version of Jurassic Park because he was a bad man; he lives in the movie version because he was a good man. But of course if Jurassic Park were to happen in the real world, whether he would die or not would probably have much less to do with whether he’s a good man and much more to do with luck. Hence, you could easily twist the moral of any story by coming up with suitable “consequences” for some character’s actions.

    Is it any wonder why I hate it when an author beats the reader over the head with a moral instead of allowing him to infer it on his own?

  2. Richard Dec 24th 2012 at 03:23 am 2

    Damn! I just did a similar joke to the one in which Scrooge’s saving Tiny Tim turns out badly. Only in my version, Tim had a son who liberalized the British view of divorces, so that King Edward VIII did not step down when he married Wallis Simpson, so naturally this led to the Nazis winning World War II, which always happens whenever anyone interferes with the timeline, so Kirk and McCoy and Spock and to restore the orignal timeline.

  3. Proginoskes Dec 24th 2012 at 03:50 am 3

    @ furrykef: The mathematician dies in the novel of Jurassic Park. (That’s why I boycotted the movie.) In the movie, the mathematician dies. That’s because the mathematician was played by a celebrity.

    I’m waiting for the punchline to “Open it!”

    Are ALL of Santa’s reindeer female? http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/santa/reindeer.asp

    The Elton one is a geezer alert. (Elton John)

  4. Kamino Neko Dec 24th 2012 at 04:03 am 4

    The punchline is right there. She gave him a bottle of brandy, and after wrapping all the presents, she needs a drink, so she gave it to him early so she can have a snifter full.

  5. Arthur Dec 24th 2012 at 04:04 am 5

    I’m waiting for the punchline to “Open it!”

    She’s fed up wrapping presents. She gives the bottle of booze to her husband, and then
    stands there with a wine glass (brandy snifter?) waiting for him to pour her some.

  6. Richard Dec 24th 2012 at 04:24 am 6

    If anyone would like to read comedy sketch that is my version of the “saving TinyTim turns out badly” joke, -pleasesend me an e-mail and I’ll send you a copy. I don’t know if I’m permitted to print my e-mail address here, but if you click on my name, it will take you to one of my websites, where you can find my e-mail address.

  7. furrykef Dec 24th 2012 at 06:07 am 7

    …so naturally this led to the Nazis winning World War II, which always happens whenever anyone interferes with the timeline, so Kirk and McCoy and Spock and to restore the orignal timeline.

    Funny, because I originally mentioned The City at the Edge of Forever while I was writing my post before I decided my point would be made better with Jurassic Park instead.

  8. heather Dec 24th 2012 at 07:53 am 8

    “I like the Scrooge one, since it neatly illustrates the problem with many preachy stories. Such stories are usually built to illustrate somebody’s goodness by giving them a happy ending or somebody’s badness by having bad things happen to them.”

    Blackadder’s Christmas Carol attempts to subvert that. Ebenezer Blackadder is so good that he’s a total patsy. When Hagrid… er, the Spirit of Christmas… pays him a visit and gives him visions of his nasty ancestors, he learns that being bad pays off.

    So he becomes a complete arse and very amusingly insults and drives off all the folks who were taking advantage of him and cons them out of their money.

    It still ends up slightly moralistic at the end, though. The ‘good’ Blackadder was just about to receive a *huge* reward from Queen Victoria and Albert, but he thought they were imposters and was incredibly rude to them. Oops.

  9. Powers Dec 24th 2012 at 09:12 am 9

    Proginoskes: “The mathematician dies in the novel of Jurassic Park. (That’s why I boycotted the movie.) In the movie, the mathematician dies. That’s because the mathematician was played by a celebrity.”

    Did you intend for this to make no sense? First of all, the mathematician lived in the movie. Second of all, several characters played by celebrities both lived (Richard Attenborough, Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern) and died (Samuel L. Jackson, Wayne Knight), so I don’t see how “was played by a celebrity” explains either survival or death.

  10. Detcord Dec 24th 2012 at 09:40 am 10

    Thanks Kamino Neko (4) That Arlo & Janice toon was a total CIDU for me. You’ve squared the circle.

  11. Lost in A**2 Dec 24th 2012 at 10:10 am 11

    And the mathematician was resurrected for the next book.

  12. Judge Mental Dec 24th 2012 at 10:59 am 12

    The first C&H is a (less funny, IMO ) twist on a very old joke. Excuse me if I don’t get it exactly right, but the gist of it is:

    It is less than a week before Christmas and Santa and his elves are way behind schedule.

    “Hey Santa, our supplier doubled-up our order of gift wrap, but didn’t give us any of the ribbon we ordered”, say one of the elves. Santa replies “Wrapping supply procurement is your department, take care of it”

    “Hey Santa, we deer haven’t been fed since yesterday morning” hollers Donner. “Sorry, but I don’t have time for this. Talk to the reindeer caretaker” is Santa’s reply

    “Hey Santa, did Mrs. Claus bake any cookies?” asks another elf. An exasperated Santa bellows “Listen up! We are all very busy, including myself. Everyone do your jobs and if anybody bothers me with something trivial, I am going to lose it!”

    A few moments later, a Christmas angel walks in and says “Hey Santa, where you want this Christmas tree?”

  13. Morris Keesan Dec 24th 2012 at 11:39 am 13

    Proginoskes clearly meant to type “In the movie, the mathematician lives.”

    I think I posted this link here recently in a different comment thread, but here again is SMBC Theater’s take on what went wrong after the ending of “A Christmas Carol”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk1M5TpbCIs
    (Yes, I’m sure I posted it, because I remember doing exactly what I just did, which is to check whether SMBC spells it “Theater” or “Theatre”.)

    The last comic in this bunch is the only one that I thought was actually funny.

  14. Kevin A. Dec 24th 2012 at 12:04 pm 14

    Bug gave me the biggest laugh. (If you’re like me and have the last panel cut off on your 1280 wide screen, click on it.)

  15. padraig Dec 24th 2012 at 02:48 pm 15

    So Tiny Tim grew up to be Big Brother? Kinda symmetrical.

  16. Richard Dec 24th 2012 at 02:53 pm 16

    A sample from the sketch I wrote:

    SCROOGE: Who are those awful men in the brown uniforms? Why are they beating up all those women and children?

    SPOCK: They are called Nazis. Whenever anyone interferes with the timeline, they end up conquering the world in the 1940’s.

    SCROOGE: But what have they to do with me?

    KIRK: Don’t tell him, Spock! He knows too much already! If we tell him more, we’ll be interfering with the Prime Directive.

    SPOCK: Captain, you interfere with the Prime Directive every week! I must proceed. It is the only logical way. Mr. Scrooge, if Tiny Tim lives..

    SCROOGE: If he lives? He must live!

    SPOCK: If he lives, he will have an influential son whose advanced views on the subjects of marriage and divorce will spread throughout England. By the time King Edward VIII wants to marry the American divorcee Wallis Simpson, the English people will let him do so, without giving up the crown. Edward VIII will be more sympathetic to the Nazis than his brother, who would have been George VI. As a result, England will not declare war on Germany, and the Germans will be victorious.

    SCROOGE: And because of this…

    SPOCK: Because of this, Tiny Tim must die. Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.

  17. Dave in Asheville Dec 24th 2012 at 03:52 pm 17

    “Because of this, Tiny Tim must die. Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.”

    So why don’t Spock and Kirk just go kill Hitler’s mother?

    @KaminoNeko You explained the A&J for me too. I didn’t get the bottle of brandy angle. btw I’ve considered you to be the God of CIDU analyses for some time now.

  18. Carl Dec 24th 2012 at 04:52 pm 18

    @Proginoskes, “vixen” means “female fox.” Other reindeer have male names, e.g. Donner (=Donar, another name for Thor).

  19. Morris Keesan Dec 24th 2012 at 05:33 pm 19

    “Donner” is simply the German word for “thunder”. Donner and Blitzen are thunder and lightning (or thunder and “flashes”, per Google translate). No inherent gender in either of those, unless the words have grammatical gender. Likewise Dancer, Prancer, Dasher, and Comet are genderless names. Of all of the reindeer names made up by Clement Moore, the only one that’s a male name is “Cupid”.

    (Sort-of-interestingly, wikipedia, bartleby.com, and poetryfoundation.com all render the poem with “Donder” as the name, not “Donner”. Project Gutenberg gives “Dunder”.)

  20. Morris Keesan Dec 24th 2012 at 05:36 pm 20

    … and was there any tradition of Santa being pulled in a sleigh by reindeer, before Clement Moore’s poem?

  21. Richard Dec 24th 2012 at 05:39 pm 21

    To Dave In Asheville @ 17

    Going back in time and killing Hitler’s Mother would be changing the time line, which never does any good. Letting Tiny Tim die just restores the previous time line.

    Changing the time line always results in a worse situation, which always results in another time traveler (or sometimes the original time travelor) needing to go back and restore the original time line.

    If things were made better as a result of time travel, it would create a paradox, because the original time traveler would have grown up not knowing about the bad situation he went back to correct, because after correcting it, he would have ended up growing up in a world where the bad situation had already been corrected, so he would not have been motivated to go back and correct it.

  22. Keera Dec 24th 2012 at 05:46 pm 22

    All were good finds but the A&J and both C&H’s made me LOL.

  23. Jeff S. Dec 24th 2012 at 09:59 pm 23

    The dyslexic one would have worked better had the letter itself had a few words mixed up besides Santa/Satan, but it was still funny.

  24. Kamino Neko Dec 24th 2012 at 10:15 pm 24

    Dave (#17) - Hah, LOL, thanks for that, man. ^_^;

  25. Proginoskes Dec 25th 2012 at 01:59 am 25

    Yeah, I goofed up. “In the movie, the mathematician dies.” should have been “In the movie, the mathematician lives.”

    @ Kamino Neko (4): “She gave him a bottle of brandy, and after wrapping all the presents, she needs a drink, so she gave it to him early so she can have a snifter full.”

    She doesn’t have any other liquor in the house? (Also, I don’t drink brandy, so I didn’t recognize the significance of the “snifter”.)(SNORT! As if that’s a real word …)

    Lost in A**2 (11): “And the mathematician was resurrected for the next book.”

    Yes, because Michael Crichton wrote that after the movie, and he had to explain the mathematician’s presence in the sequel. That’s why I boycotted the rest of the movies. (Crichton was an awful writer. In Andromedra Strain, if everyone had left everything alone, nothing bad would have happened. In Timeline, a character doesn’t know the meaning of “throw down the gauntlet”. Really? I mean, REALLY???)

    @ Carl and Morris Keesan (19 and 20): Hey, *I* wasn’t aware of the “Santa’s reindeer are all female” legend until I saw it on Snopes this year …

    @ Richard (21): [1] There was a TV show (Outer Limits) which had an episode where a woman went back in time, became the Hitler maid, and killed Adolph when he was a baby. The mother followed the maid and then bought a baby off of a Gypsy and raised it … naming him Adolph.

    [2] Your explanation only makes sense if there is a single world time-line. If you subscribe to the multiworlds interpretation, the time traveller just jumps to an alternate history, with the original one also intact.

  26. Lost in A**2 Dec 25th 2012 at 09:54 am 26

    I read “The Andromeda Strain” a very long time ago. IIRC, something bad _did_ happen. As it turned out, nothing _worse_ would have happened.

    Still, I won’t argue that Crichton was a good writer. I do enjoy his books, though.

  27. Morris Keesan Dec 25th 2012 at 10:37 am 27

    Proginoskes, this explanation of Crichton resurrecting the mathematician brings to mind Gary K. Wolf, whose book Who Censored Roger Rabbit? was superb. In the book, Roger (who works in print media, not movies) starts out dead, and his doppelganger hires Eddie Valiant to solve his murder. The only things kept for the Disney movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit? were Eddie, Roger, and the concept of toons, transferred from comic strips to film. But I thought that Wolf did a brilliant job, in writing the sequel, Who P-P-P-Plugged Roger Rabbit?, of explaining how Roger was alive in the second book, and of retrofitting the universe of the movie into the universe of the books.

  28. Bob in Nashville Dec 25th 2012 at 02:19 pm 28

    Here I figured the Scrooge one was mocking the Ayn Rand cult by presenting their meme in a completely absurd context. I liked it as such.

    Thanks #s 4&5 for explaining the A&J. For me, it was a complete CIDU.

    And of course the Close To Home was LOL drowning out the groan that came with it.

  29. The Vicar Dec 25th 2012 at 05:54 pm 29

    @Dave in Asheville, #17:

    Killing Hitler probably wouldn’t be enough to avert World War II. Germany had a virulent, violent, antisemitic, provincial right wing churning away post World War I and Hitler just happened to be the leader who rose to the top. Without him, there probably just would have been some variant version centered on some other person, and we’d all be sitting around speculating on what would happen if you went back in time and killed Schmidt to stop the Naso Party from forming, or whatever. There would be differences, but not to the extent of “all the Germans would have been nice and friendly and there would have been no second world war at all.”

    (Nothing like speculating on alternate histories of the Nazi party to make it feel like a real Christmas.) (I think that flashing, musical Santa head decoration on the house across the street has gotten to me.)

  30. Meryl A Dec 26th 2012 at 02:36 am 30

    Morris Keeson -

    Having been interpreting a dutch American 1700’s house for about 7 Christmases and stuck in the kitchen with the wooden shoes with oranges in them - Sinter Klaus (not sure of spelling) flies through the air on a great white horse with Black Peter (will not try the name in Dutch or German) who gives the switches if the kids are bad. The hardest part of telling this story is explaining that English colonial children do not do this without disillusioning small children coming through. (I say that our English children do not put out the shoes and carrots for the horse, so he does not come.)

    Happy and Merry to all!

  31. Meryl A Dec 26th 2012 at 02:37 am 31

    Oh yeah -

    Amish children get minimal gifts if any.

  32. The Vicar Dec 26th 2012 at 02:48 am 32

    @Meryl:

    The notion of an anti-Santa for bad kids seems to be sort of a general dutch/german thing. See the Wikipedia article on Krampus — a demonic, horned, hairy creature who would leave punishments and kidnap bad kids outright! (For real! Ah, those Germans… “Schadenfreude, huh? What’s that, some kind of Nazi word?” “Yup! It’s German for ‘happiness at the misfortune of others’.” “‘Happiness at the misfortune of others’… that IS German!”)

  33. Kilby Dec 26th 2012 at 05:44 am 33

    Santa Claus carries lumps of coal for the bad kids, whereas the Weihnachtsmann is armed with a (hazelnut) switch. It’s hard to say which punishment is more cruel, my brother was furious (at my dad) when he got a lump of charcoal in his stocking, and remembered the slight (i.e., wanted to take revenge) for several years thereafter.

    P.S. @ The Vicar (32) - Let’s be fair: the Germans also have Gemütlichkeit, a concept of “homespun comfort” which is very difficult to adequately render into English.

  34. Kilby Dec 26th 2012 at 05:46 am 34

    P.P.S. I have never heard of a case where the “switch” (die Rute) was actually used, it is an absolutely idle threat (but the little kids do not know that).

  35. Meryl A Dec 31st 2012 at 11:31 pm 35

    I tell the children the story. Then ask if they know what a switch is. (”I will tell you that it has nothing to do with illumination.” closest I can get to telling them it is not a light switch, which has actually stopped coming to their minds as an answer). I don’t think any child has known, and sometimes not even the parents. This results in my telling them that “It is a gift for papa. He does get to use it, on the proper part of the child’s anatomy to insure that next year the child will be good”, as I turn and point at my rear end. Many of the kids still don’t get it and some parents have been horrified. I am then quick to point out that the 2 little girls in the house have been good, see the oranges they have received. I also have people who tell me that the date we have is wrong or the details are wrong and my answer is that this is what the (Dutch) children in the house have told me.

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